Meet Negative Nancy: The “devil” who sits on my shoulder.

This morning, I had set aside time to write about the first thing that came to mind. I came up with this….

“Yesterday I posted a reel on social media of me speaking about subconscious programming and how that affects the nervous system. 

For some reason, it took a lot out of me.”

And then a writer's worst enemy shows up… the writer's block

Literally came up blank. 

I had an idea of what I was going to write and usually, the flow will take me somewhere. But this morning… nothing.

My mind started asking questions 

What's going on? Why can't I write? Maybe this isn't something I should be writing about. Maybe this isn't the right path that I should be taking. I have to write something, I need to get my ideas out. What's wrong with me?!

Panic. 

And then “Negative Nancy” showed up. She's the little “devil” that sits on my shoulder and speaks negatively. Self depreciating, self loathing, anger, doubt, unworthiness, hateful thoughts to remind me of past disappointments. Ways of keeping me stuck in the quicksand of old memories.

Over the years (particularly the last 2 years) I have learnt to silence her. I realised she is simply a persona made up of subconscious beliefs. Every time I have uncertainty or doubt, she surfaces. 

She is part childhood memories and part old emotions that I wasn't able to process at the time. I had learnt that it was unsafe to express those emotions so they are stored in the body. This allows the body to quickly recognise the emotion (aka danger), triggering survival mode. 

The response: prepare to fight, flee or freeze. The sympathetic nervous system gains control over the body. 

She is a subconscious programme running in the background directing my behaviours, thought patterns, actions - a collation of conditioning and beliefs that weren't mine in the first place. On the surface, this looks like my personality, who I am. At a soul level, it's not who I be. 

She is separate from me, so I named her “Negative Nancy”. No shade towards anyone called Nancy. There's no hidden meaning behind the name.

She may be the “devil” on my shoulder, but she is also “lived” backwards. On the flip side, she is a reflection of my past, not my future. She highlights where my current subconscious block is hidden. She takes me back to my lived experiences so I can energetically release the stored emotion.

Today, she was telling me:

No-one is interested in what you have to say. The reel took you way too long to make it and it sucked anyway. Look at everyone else's reels, they are so much more exciting and informative. Why bother when everyone is already saying what you are saying… but better. 

“Negative Nancy” is a real bitch.

For a moment, I fell for her conniving ways. I wallowed. I felt the depth of disappointment. I could feel my nervous system going into overdrive. And I knew it was a downward spiral from there. 

I tried meditating to find guidance, but no guidance would be coming while I was dysregulated. 

So I turned on Foo Fighters. Because what's a better way to shift out of a rut than to mosh and “sing” 90s/ early 2000s rock music?

I could feel myself feeling lighter, happier and motivated… 

…to trim my hedge.

It was a random thought that dropped in. And if you know me, I am not a fan of trimming hedges. But that's how my brain works. An idea “drops in” and then I roll with it, otherwise I move onto the next thing. My thought train generally takes me far off into an imaginary land somewhere else… and I'd forget about ... my … original … point…

Some might say it's guidance, some may call it coincidence. But honestly, I had been looking at my hedges for weeks. It was overgrown and cluttered our front door - much like how my own headspace had been feeling lately. 

So armed with Foo Fighters in my ears, I attacked our hedge.

You would think that the distraction of a loud hedge trimmer and performing Foo Fighters greatest hits for my neighbours, “Negative Nancy” would sit down and watch the show.

Nope. Stubborn bitch had to make it about herself. 

The hedge is too patchy. You've trimmed it crooked. You missed a spot. Wait, 100 spots. It's not perfect.

It's. Not. Perfect. 

That's when it hit me. She was trying to show me that life isn't about perfection. I had been running a programme that my work and my presentation must be perfect. 

Reality is, this is my life and I get to run the show. 

Not my parents who nurtured me to be who they wanted to be. Not the teacher who expected great things from me. Not the netball coach who threw me into the top team when I wasn't ready. Not “Negative Nancy” who was programmed for perfection. 

But me. I get to narrate and direct my own show. Validation is being proud of my own work. 

I had placed that responsibility onto others and whenever I thought they weren't proud, I would fall into disappointment. I needed constant validation from others.

Not anymore. “Negative Nancy” doesn't get to live rent free in my mind.

It will take practice to finally evict “Negative Nancy.” Remember: practice doesn't make perfect - it makes progress. 

So yes, “Negative Nancy,” yesterday's reel did take too long to make and maybe I did sound boring and uninteresting. And yes, I did miss 100 spots on the hedge, and it's patchy, crooked and not perfect. 

But I am proud of the woman who created and posted a reel while she was scared and uncertain. I'm proud of the courage it took to step out of her rut to be productive.

I have to give “Negative Nancy" the credit for this. You may be a bitch, but thank you for your lovingly ruthless methods. Swallowing the “harden up pull” makes the lesson that much more memorable and meaningful.

So to round up the day… our 3 kids commented on the hedge. First thing they said “what happened to it?”  

Because they hated it. They wanted the old hedge back.

Oh well, at least now when we walk to the front door, we won't be attacked by trees.

That's progress.

If this resonated with you and you feel inspired to evict your “Negative Nancy," 1:1 Intuitive Healing Sessions are available.

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